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Something is stirring within

For quite some time now, something has been stirring within me...

I haven't been able to place my finger on it. I haven't been able to distinguish if any of it is good or bad. I just know that something has to come from this, good or bad. I need to walk through these emotions with my eyes wide open and an open mind. Ready for a change of some form or fashion to who I am, or who I am supposed to be. There is much confusion within me, so much that I want to be, so much that I want to take me back to what I once was... very loving, caring, artistic woman, energetic, lively and yet... the stirring within me is pushing all of that away. It all seems unattainable right now, but I'm finding myself - trudging on for answers, for one answer even, just a glimpse of something that will make sense out of all of this.

I find myself on a search... a search for knowledge, worldly knowledge to anything I can get my hands on. I have one problem with this "want to know" mission, you see, I've never been really good at retaining things that I read, experience or even past memories.

I hope that I can make something of all of this in a good time frame... then again... it's all in Gods' hands isn't it. I have to be patient and just work with all of this day by day.

So... Long Time Blogging

Funny how life can get the best of us...

Life at the Cathouse has been wonderful, yet very busy. Between coping and supporting with the diagnosis of Von Hippel-Lindau (VHL), getting married and going on our Honeymoon/Vacation, it's been hard to keep up with any blogging what so ever.

There are many things, that I'd like to get back to and blogging is just one of those things. For now though, I think I'll just blog about our wonderful honeymoon/vacation. PC and I went to Death Valley for our honeymoon and it was the most wonderful time that we both could have ever had! No sooner than we had crossed in to Death Valley from Las Vegas, we lost all communication to the world. Unfortunately it sent my sister in to a tizzy because she never recieved confirmation that we arrived safely. No cell phones, no internet... nothing. It was great! Just us, the peacefulness within Death Valley, the canyons, the trails... hopefully we can go back and do some more hiking at some point.

I'll close with some pictures, we took sooooo many pictures that the four to five day span of picture taking didn't fit on to a CD. So... I'll just post my favorites.

Enjoy...

Bookworm Meme

HT to Katey's Kafe

Me me me me....
Bookworm Meme, stolen from Pandy, aka Dorkelina.

Rules: Pass it on to five other bloggers, and tell them to open the nearest book to page 56. Write out the fifth sentence on that page, and also the next two to five sentences. The CLOSEST BOOK, NOT YOUR FAVORITE, OR MOST INTELLECTUAL!

From Half Full(followed by the next 5 sentences):


"We spend so much of the day lost in making plans or trolling in our minds through the recent or ancient past. It's so easy to forget to immerse ourselves in the here and now. Really, we can't be anywhere else but here and now, but our brains will try like hell to convince us otherwise. Shut off your brain for a while and revel in the perfection of each moment as it comes.[There] will never be any more perfection than there is now."

As Katey chose to do, so will I... "I'm not going to tag anyone with this meme" only because I have not been blogging daily anymore due to life taking over and losing readers because of it. I just thought it would be fun to participate.

So much going on....

So much has been going on this year...

Ever since May, we've had so much to deal with...

I lost two very dear friends to suicide and all within the same family! I think because of the pain killers and all the meds I was on due to my surger at the end of May, I didn't react as I probably should have. It hurt, but I couldn't react... I didn't show it. Even though we were very close, our family's hung out together for BBQ's, Dinner out at Hooters, Parties, our kids all grew up together. We were neighbors and even after divorces, we stayed in touch as much as possible, and even after I went through my divorce and we lost touch after I moved away, we always knew that all we had to do was pick up the phone and we would be there for one another. Things happen... I lost touch, but when I got the call that David (my girlfriends' ex husband) committed suicide by gun shot to his head... I was numb, even more so with the pain killers! Then a few months pass and I get another call from my girlfriend... This time... Julie committed suicide, her sister... I fell apart! I was at work and I couldn't understand, even working in a Psychiatric Hospital, where we deal with Depression, Suicidal tendencies... I couldn't understand. I still tear up and lose control! You see... they both had beautiful and wonderful children and grandchildren. Yes, they both went through divorces, but they were still close to their ex spouses, in my mind... they still had many blessings in their lives. I don't understand the sickness of depression. Depression that would bring anyone to the point of NOT wanting to live anymore. Especially when you have children and grand children. People that love you and look forward to seeing you and being with you. What could be so bad to make you want to take such a precious fift that was given to us, a gift that is NOT ours to take! I struggle with this every time I think of them. I know that they are missed dearly! I know that they are looking down from heaven and looking over their loved ones from above. I also know that we need to treasure the time that we had with them. We will miss you David Terril (RIP) and Julie Dearborn (RIP). We think of you often.

I had blogged about my niece and how she was diagnosed with Von Hipple Lindau about three years ago. We never knew which side of the family this genetic disease was inherited from. A few weeks ago, we learned that it is my family that carries this disease. Now... my sister has been diagnosed with Von Hipple Lindau Disease. My niece was found to have the disease attack her spine, her eye, her kidneys and her pancreas. My sister... my sister was found to have the disease attack her two kidneys and pancreas. The tumors completely took over her whole right kidney, she will most likely lose that kidney. They hope to save the left one, but can not assure us of that. They still do not know 100% if the tumors are cancerous, but they are 99% sure that the tumor in the right kidney is malignant. They will be performing a biopsy on her pancreas tomorrow. They ran MRI's on her today to check for tumors in her brain, her eyes and her spine. We have asked everyone and anyone for prayers. My sister has always been the strong one in our family and now, she needs us. This family has come together and it's just so unfortunate that this had to happen for us to do so. We lose touch and we get caught up with our own lives in our own towns and call once a week to check on family, but now... God has us coming together. All in all, whatever comes your way in life... "I Hope You Dance"... This woman is dancing all the way through her journey!




Jay and I were planning our wedding to be in El Paso and just because things were not meant to be that way, I think I see why. God had other things going on for our family. I just pray that my sister is healed. I have faith! God works miracles, he's worked many in my life since 2005. So now... I end my blog with some happiness, some joy and definitely a blessing that was brought to me by God:



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